Testing, Testing… 1… 2…3…4…{days, so far}

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Testing, Testing… That’s what we’ve been doing… Testing and trusting and waiting… and to this point, we still have no true answers.  The certain things that have been revealed are leaving us with more questions than we had when we checked in the hospital. However, Nate and I are doing just fine.  The hospital staff is just wonderful!  I can’t say enough nice things about them.  They have made us feel at home, and they are genuinely concerned about the children they serve.  We feel so blessed to be here.

So far, Nathan has not had a seizure.  That’s a good thing if he doesn’t have a seizure disorder.  It’s not so good if he really does have seizures.  They have put him in different seizure-inducing situations, and so far, he has been “normal”.  This is what a portion of the back of his head looks like. 

He has electrodes all over his head and face, and some on his chest.  They are on a long chord, so he can walk around our room. Next door to his room is a “play room” where the seizure-test  patients can unhook and play the Wii and other games together.  The transmitters can wirelessly send the signals back to their rooms. We haven’t been in there yet.  But, (I’m writing this post on Thurs night) tonight he has to stay up until 1 am for a test, so I told him that when he gets tired, we’ll go in there and play the Wii together.  I’m really good at Just Dance 1.  Unfortunately, He won’t play that with me.  I don’t know why… his mama’s got some moves, if I do say so myself. 😉  He just looks at me and shakes his head… hmmmm.

I still have 1/3 of my book to finish.  Didn’t get it done by Oct. 1st, since on Oct 1st (my day to finish) we were here in the emergency room.  I did get 1 1/2 chapters done yesterday, but it’s a little hard to concentrate. You know?  😉  I have, however, been able to keep up with my Experiencing God study, and this week’s lessons have been just what I have needed.  Truths like these reinforce my determination to trust God, no matter what:

“Whenever God involves you in His activity, the assignment will have Godlike dimensions to it…if the assignment I sense God is giving me is something I know I can handle on my own, I assume it probably is not from God.  The assignments God gave in the Bible were always God-sized.  They were always beyond what people could do in their strength because He wanted to demonstrate His nature, His strength, His provision, and His love to his people and to a watching world.  That is the only way the world will come to know Him.”

“…So God will come to you and give you a God-sized assignment.  When you start to do what He tells you to do, He brings to pass what He purposed. Then you and the people with you will rejoice that you have experienced Him.  You and the people around you will know more of Him than you have ever known before.”   Experiencing God, by Henry Blackaby. Unit 7, day 3.

When I look back on our lives ~ I was going to say in the past few years…. but then I think back beyond that… even back to when I was sick, before the Lord healed me… it seems that the above 2 paragraphs describe God’s activity in my life and in the lives of our family from its beginning.  The God-sized assignment He has given- that He set me apart to do through this life He has given me to live – is to love Him passionately, walk with Him intimately, trust Him completely, and to encourage others to do the same. 

It seems that there has been one “impossible” struggle after another, yet as the Lord has brought us gloriously through each one, I can honestly say that I know and love Him more than I did before.  In this, I can count it all joy.

I said all of that to say this:  On Wednesday, I was praying about Nathan, the tests, the results, the questions, the outcomes… and I realized that I was giving God a great run-down of how I thought things should go.  Then very gently, I felt Him lead me to stop praying the details, and to just say, “Your will be done.”  When I did that, my heart realized what my head has known all along  ~  This is totally in God’s hands, and none of it is in mine.  We are at the mercy of the Lord and the doctors He places in our paths. 

“Your will be done.”  Four words that can truly bring peace in every situation.  I’ve been floating on the Lord’s peace all week, have rested as well as possible, and really have not worried.  But I’m tired tonight.  And with more questions (than answers) coming every few hours, my resolve to say “Your will be done” is getting weaker.

Tonight, I’ve found myself listening to all of the options and picking and choosing which diagnoses that I would prefer, and which I wouldn’t.  I did this when I was sick for so many years without a firm diagnosis.  There are some “issues” that are more “acceptable” to me, and there are some I just don’t want to have as part of our lives. 

The truth is, though, it doesn’t matter what I want or prefer.  What matters is that whatever God is doing in Nathan’s life through this series of events is a God-sized thing.  A platform for God’s glory – in Nathan’s life, and in ours. 

Just like God has brought us victoriously through every other trial over the last 20 something years, He will bring us through this one.  And He will be glorified.  And we will love Him  {more}  passionately, walk with Him  {more} intimately, trust Him  {more} completely, and somehow God will use this to encourage others to do the same.

At this point, I’m not sure when we’ll come home.  (Maybe Saturday?  Maybe Monday?)  Nathan will have an MRI whose results will chart our next steps.  Thank you so much for the prayers and words of encouragement you are sending our way!  It’s been like wonderful, sustaining snacks of encouragement every time we turn around.  A bite here and a bite there – so much so that we remain full.

I’m about to make out my couch/bed for the night… then stay awake for 3 more hours, sleep for 2, then awake for the day (and pray to get in a nap at some point.)  It’s been a real treat to have this time with Nathan.  He and his dad usually do the bonding activities.  But this time around, it got to be me.  I’ve seen way more dad/son movies than I ever knew I’d watch in a 24 hour period, and I’ve learned to play quite a few new video-type games.  He’s been a trouper through all of this, and I’m trying to absorb each moment.

Thanks, again, for being a part of our story.  We are very aware of your presence through your prayers and support.  With much love and grateful hearts for you~

About SmellingCoffee

I'm a Jesus-loving, husband-loving, family-loving minister's wife and mom to two college kids, making our home and serving our Lord in the Mississippi Delta. I study, teach, speak, and write for the greatest Boss in the universe. "Faith, Family, Food, Fun, and Living Life brewed in the fragrance of the knowledge of Jesus Christ in every place": That's what you'll find at SmellingCoffee.com