So Long Insecurity Book Club – Week 4, Chapters 10-12

Hi friends~  I can NOT tell you how hard it has been to be silent here, on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest!  I feel SO out of the proverbial loop!  Though I did get a good outline and some research started for my book ( I think this will be a much bigger project than I originally imagined.  Prayer and Husbands are two subjects that require more than just my simple thoughts.  I appreciate YOUR prayers for me as I plug along in this process.  It may be 2015 before the book is done… but it will be in God’s timing because it will have to be written only by His wisdom and leading.

And while I have the floor here, I wanted to pass along something I just found out about.  (You may already know about this – since you may be way more plugged in right now than I am.  If so, forgive the redundancy.)  Beginning this Sunday, March 3, a new mini-series will begin on the History Channel.  The official website for the series is here.

“The Bible is a ten-hour, five-week, miniseries created and produced by husband and wife team, Roma Downey (Touched By an Angel) and Mark Burnett (The Voice, Survivor, Shark Tank, Celebrity Apprentice). Beginning on March 3, 2013, for two hours each Sunday night, viewers will see some of the best-known stories from the Bible, from Noah’s Ark and the Exodus to Jesus’ birth & the disciples. The final episode of The Bible TV miniseries will air on Easter Sunday and will feature the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus. There are many corresponding resources available.” (quote from the website)

I also read this about it:  To help ensure the accuracy of the miniseries, many Christian scholars served as advisors and hundreds of Christian leaders have given their endorsement.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know about it.  We will definitely be setting our DVR to record this.

On to the So Long Insecurity discussion of chapters 10-12

So Long Insecurity book

Chapters 10-12

All three of these chapters were about men and how we women hand over much of our security to those in our lives of this other gender.  As part of Beth’s research, she asked her blog participants to see if the men in their lives would be willing to answer a few questions for her.  It was all done anonymously and my dear hubby was one of the ones who answered.  (I was dying to know what he said… even gave him these chapters to read and see if his response was quoted… but he kept reminding me that it was anonymous and wouldn’t tell me! It made me so insecure… Darn it!)

She asked them these questions:

1)     What are your primary areas of insecurity, and how do they tend to act on you? (In other words, how do you normally act when you’re feeling insecure?)

2)   What is the most common way you notice insecurity in women?

Boy! What insight they gave.  Want to know something she (and we) learned?  Men struggle with insecurity just as much as women do.  That’s worth saying again.  Men struggle with insecurity as much as women do.  It’s just in different areas and they show it in different ways.

As these honest men answered question one, we discovered that men are insecure about their looks, size, and weight.  They battle worry over whether their ladies are attracted to them and will be faithful to them.  They want to be “perfect” for their wives.  But most of all, it seems that they fear failure.  Of anything.  But mostly of the failure to provide and the failure to prove himself as a man.  Men feel like they have to earn their man-hood.  And they are insecure if their man-hood is questioned.


When a woman is insecure, she will tend to cling.  When a man is insecure, he will tend to withdraw.   “Force space and deny that he’s doing it.  If quietness doesn’t work, excessive irritation, agitation, or anger can usually do the job.”  (p. 194)

Are any of the men in your life doing this?

Somehow realizing that men struggle with the same things we do puts us all on a much more level playing field.  As chapter 10 is entitled, men are “Neither gods nor devils.”

As our men shared answers to the second question (What is the most common way you notice insecurity in women?) I was amazed at their insight.  They saw things about us that we women don’t even realize are visible.  These are some of the things they know about us:

  • They catch us literally sizing each other “up one side and down the other,” especially if we feel threatened.
  • They KNOW that we compare ourselves to other women.
  • They know that we feel insecure when we “talk too much.”
  • Cleavage  – the number one key to a man in knowing if a woman is insecure.  If she bares a lot of it, though he might appreciate it, he knows that she is looking for security.
  • They can tell how secure/insecure we are by how we dress and by how much skin we show or don’t show.  “The more skin they show, the more insecure they are,” said one man.
  • They blame our full-blown emotional episodes on our insecurities.  The nerve of them!
  • Our obsession with what people think is a major indicator of our insecurity.
  • They notice our insatiable need for affirmation and recognize it as insecurity.
  • One man suggested that insecure women ask a lot of “Am I?” questions.  Questions like: Am I beautiful?  Am I worthy?  Am I desirable? Am I delightful?  Am I smart? Am I a good mom?…

An insightful husband had this to share:

“Typical, common, widespread insecurities include looks, body shapes, lack of education or perceived intelligence, neediness, and many others.  It manifests itself in nagging, self-doubt, self-loathing, seeking approval/validation, and the need for constant reassurance.  It gets quite tiring for men who, as we get older, just love you for exactly the way you are.  Can you not understand that?  We are not lying if we tell you we love you, you are beautiful and appealing, and we enjoy being with you immensely.  When women’s insecurities are vividly displayed to us, it turns us off, frustrates us to no extent, and perplexes us. Get over it!”  (p. 236-237)

The ending conclusions?

1.  We must realize this: “Men are human flesh and blood caught up in the conflict between the sacred and the crude, just like we are.  They also waver miserably between what they really need and what they think they want.  They have been hurt by women just like we have been hurt by men.  They have felt overpowered and undervalued by women just like we have by men.  They have felt under our spell just like we’ve felt under theirs.  All of us have a human nature that is selfish and depraved, yet by Christ’s touch, is also graced with wonder and good.  We are fellow sojourners here with feet of clay, and neither man nor woman is immune to broken hearts, chipped, minds, and crumbled lives.”

2.  Men are more intrigued by a confident woman who carries herself well and knows who she is than they are a woman with a picture-perfect body who seems little more than that.  Insecurities repel.  They do not attract.  They invite resistance and uncertainty.

3.  We {women} must stop trying to C.O.N.T.R.O.L. the men in our lives.  God created them a certain way, and honestly… do we really want to feminize them?  Yet that’s just what we try to do when we demand that they act and react like we would.  James used to call me H.S. (short for a junior Holy Spirit) because I would try to tell him all of these things that I thought he should be hearing from God.  Things, incidentally that I would do.  Wrong!  I’ve learned to pray those things into his life rather than to lecture them in {for the most part}.

4.  Women think we will feel secure when we are in control.  But truthfully, the only way we will ever feel secure is when we surrender control to the ONE who holds the world in the palm of His Hand.  Submission is a beautiful word for a woman.  When we submit to the Lord and give over control of our lives, days, checkbooks, schedules, minds, hearts, bodies, etc… When we give the Lord Jesus Christ control of all of that, we can be the most secure women in the world.  That’s how God made us to be.  Filled and satisfied and secure in the care of Jesus.

What do you think about this?

May God bless each of you with the covering of His Strength and Dignity. 🙂


About SmellingCoffee

I'm a Jesus-loving, husband-loving, family-loving minister's wife and mom to two college kids, making our home and serving our Lord in the Mississippi Delta. I study, teach, speak, and write for the greatest Boss in the universe. "Faith, Family, Food, Fun, and Living Life brewed in the fragrance of the knowledge of Jesus Christ in every place": That's what you'll find at